ACRONYM INCREASINGLY SUSPICIOUS SENSUOUS KISS WITH BREATHTAKING GIRL INTERRUPTED BY EARNEST CITY COUNCIL CANDIDATE LOCAL DOG YET STARES AT BLOG WRITER DUMBASS AIRLINES LANDS AT REALLY WIDE RUNWAY* COMING UP ON HEADLINES: YOUR HAMSTER- WHY YOUR FURRY LITTLE FRIEND MAY INDUCE INFECTIOUS BOILS, EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, AND LINGERING FOR A FEW DAYS IN AGONY WHILE AWAITING THE SWEET RELEASE OF AN INEVITABLE DEATH - HEADLINES REPORT YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS, AT 11 *Special thanks to old Bob Newhart jokeīREAKING NEWS: MARCEL MARCEAU DIES QUIETLY BUSH PROPOSES AWAKENING THE SLEEPING 1300 FOOT TALL ATOMIC BATTLE ROBOT FROM SPACE UNDETERRED BY CRITICS, MAN CONTINUES TO ASCRIBE MAGICAL POWERS TO 4 WEEK OLD MAPLE BAR UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS UNCOVER NEW SPECIES, ENDANGER IT ON THE SAME DAY RESPONDING TO SPEARS' VMA INCIDENT, CONGRESS APPOINTS MUFFIN-TOP INVESTIGATIONS UNIT DEVASTATING RAINBOW TORNADO DRIVES UNICORN BELLY FUTURES UP REPUBLICAN SENATORS TORN AS CRITICAL IRAQ VOTE, D.C. IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY MIKE "GUTSHOT" JONES: "I SURE WISH THAT GUY HAD NEVER SHOT ME IN THE GUT" ADORABLE KITTENS INVESTIGATE REFRIGERATOR AS POSSIBLY INEXHAUSTIBLE SOURCE OF NUMMIES WAR ON TERROR SIDETRACKED BY BATTLE OF MORONS ARTIST RECONTEXTUALIZES I-90 WITH ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONIST LANE MARKERS CRISP FALL DAY RUINED BY UNNECESSARILY ANNOYING WINDSHIELD REPLACMENT NOW IN PRIVATE PRACTICE, ALBERTO GONZALES LOSES $20 MIL CASE AS HE FAILS TO RECALL FILING DEADLINE, THE LEGAL PRECEDENTS INVOLVED, WHO HIS CLIENT EXACTLY WAS OR WHAT THE CASE WAS EVEN ABOUT INTERNATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF ROBOTS SPOKESBOT CALLS CRITICS RUN/TIME ERROR COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: METEOR-YīUSH HUMBLY APOLOGIZES TO SELF POPULACE INFURIATED BY ENDLESS BRITNEY SPEARS COVERAGE, FRENCH ASSAULT FORCES LAND AT REDONDO BEACH CLIMATE CHANGE REPORT: BIG ROCK CANDY MOUNTAIN NOW SLUFFING OFF TAFFY RELATED: CANDYLAND SCIENTISTS DISCOVER SWEET PINK COTTON CANDY CLOUDS "PUMPING OUT BILLIONS OF TONS OF CO2" ADORABLE KITTEN SURVIVES MINUTES LOST IN PILLOW CASE IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY ECONOMIST PAUL KRUGMAN: "I TOLD YOU AND I TOLD YOU: WHEN DID I EVER NOT FUCKING TELL YOU?" SURPRISE, CARNAGE IN HARTFORD AS BLUE, 10-ARMED GODDESS OF CHAOS KALI VISITS TGI FRIDAYS LOCAL WOMAN FORCED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN STYLE, COMFORT ANALYSTS: G.O.P.
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN GENETICISTS: HUMAN/CLAM HYBRID "HAPPY AS A HUMAN-CLAM HYBRID" MINIVAN BREAKS WORLD IDLING IN FRONT OF ME BLOCKING MY WAY IN PARKING LOT RECORD JESUS RE-APPEARS IN TACOMA, OPERATING A VERIZON MALL BOOTH
IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY AN ENRAGED HYENA: "GIVE ME THAT WILDEBEEST BONE, ASSHOLE!!"ĬITING PUBLIC DANGER, NEW YORK CITY NOW ENFORCING SPEED LIMIT ON FAST-WALKING SUPERMODELS
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS USE ADVANCED SUPERCOMPUTER TO CRACK "MYSTERIOUS RESEARCH GRANT CODE" LOCATED AT IN A DILAPIDATED NEWARK STUDIO APARTMENT AMID EMPTY COORS CANS AND DOMINO'S PIZZA BOXES, CAPITALISM WATCHES GAME SHOWS, TAKES A BONG HIT AND MAKES NO APOLOGIES SARAH PALIN CLAIMS TO HAVE MEMORIZED THE INTERNETĪDORABLE KITTENS PLAN TO CAPTURE BALL OF YARN, NAP UNDER ITS MIGHTY SHADOW IN SURPRISE MOVE, MCCAIN CAMPAIGN SENDS DOZENS OF PONIES TO UTAH HOOTER'S MAKES VICE-PRESIDENTIAL ENDORSEMENT UPDATE: MCCAIN PARTICULARLY FRIGHTENED OF GHOST OF SCROOGE MCCDUCKĮARLY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING DISRUPTED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS
REPUBLICAN DIASPORA: MILLIONS FLEE TO IDAHO, LOADING ENTIRE GATED COMMUNITIES ON PRIMITIVE WAGONS TED STEVENS HUMBLY AND SINCERELY APOLOGIES FOR HIS ABUSE OF POWER, FELONY CRIMES IN HIGH OFFICE MILLION OBAMA SUPPORTERS EXPECTED TO GATHER IN CHICAGO TEN MILLION REPUBLICANS EXPECTED TO GATHER THEMSELVES IN THEIR OWN BASEMENT HOME BUSINESS OFFICES MISSION FAILING, KARL ROVE TO RETURN TO HOME PLANET CURSING SARAH PALIN TRAPPED IN WASILLA VOTING BOOTH BY CARELESSLY ABANDONED CHINESE FINGER PUZZLE